It’s 11:17pm on Saturday the 17th of June. I am sat in my underwear smashing my way through a past its sell by date Easter egg that I picked up from a dark corner of my local supermarket for a mere 23p, along with this I am also cracking on with a multi-pack of Cadbury’s Crunchy bars (this is not a brand deal, but Cadbury, if you do want to send me some free chocolate, please, feel free). I am sat in all my beautiful glory pretending not to be jealous or to envy those currently at Glastonbury festival. I lie to myself and declare that I am far more satisfied sat here, alone, in my underwear, than I would be if I was at Glastonbury enjoying one of the greatest music festivals on planet earth.
This is probably the right time to mention what I have chosen to watch on this fine Saturday evening, I am watching Mr. West headline Glastonbury festival. Mr. West as in Kanye West. Kanye? Can I call him that? Why is it that so many people are on first name terms with such an elusive and high profile celebrity on twitter tonight? I hope when I inevitably soar into the public eye that people do not show me such a lack of courtesy and start to refer to me by first name as though we were ‘woes during the six’ (yeah that’s right, I just quoted Drake, so people can stop complaining that my writing is limited with no references to alternative scholars).
Apart from comedian Lee Nelson leaping on stage to interrupt Mr. West’s set to declare himself Lee-zus (mocking the label Kanye has given himself – which is Yeezus) the set has been largely uneventful. Just to state my opinion, as I know you all care so much for it (satire), I actually thought Nelson’s actions were legendary, noble, encapsulating, mesmerising and one of the greatest acts of bravery this nation has seen since Paula Radcliffe decided to take a sh*t during the London marathon. If Lee Nelson is left out of the Queen’s knighthood list next year then, quite frankly, comedy is dead.
It is at this point that Kanye (apparently I’m now on first name terms with him also now) turns to address the Glastonbury crowd. He tells them “you are currently watching the greatest rockstar on the planet” – or something along those lines. I laugh into what I can only describe now as a chocolate mess. I laugh a little too loudly perhaps, considering that the rest of my family are (or perhaps were) fast asleep.
I sit there chuckling while shaking my head in what has to be the most patronising tone since the women at the local supermarket told me that microwave pizzas were not a suitable or sustainable or healthy choice of living for two weeks (this can only be described as a personal attack and an infringement on my human rights).
I continue to mock Mr. West while completely forgetting the fact that I never have, and never will, get up on a stage myself. Further, apart from the rap I wrote at school about the American pilot Gary Powers for a project on the Cold War, I have never even written a single song myself. Completely dismissing this, I start to wonder who really is the greatest rockstar on the planet?
Immediately my mind jumps to The Beatles, but I hate Paul McCartney? So perhaps not him. John Lennon? Yeah maybe. Oh wait. ‘Greatest rockstar on the planet right now’, Lennon is dead, bit of minor issue with that one then. The Rolling Stones? The Who? Maybe it should be more of a contemporary artist? The Foo Fighters? Arctic Monkeys? Oh wait I think I’ve got it, Oasis. But then, it’s not plural, is it? It’s not ‘rockstars’, it is ‘rockstar’, therefore who do we choose? Noel or Liam? I’ve always seen myself as a Noel, you know, straight to the point, says it how it is, stands up for what he believes in, doesn’t take sh*t from anyone, okay perhaps on reflection I could not be any further away from him. But I think I prefer Noel to Liam, but choosing Noel would be boring, wouldn’t it? And no one wants to be boring in this day and age. Further this need to be a unanimous agreement, and I know a lot of people who can’t stand Oasis.
Elvis. Yeah. He’s the king of rock ‘n roll. That will work. Sorted. Jobs a good ‘un, see you next week.
But wait? What about people who don’t like Elvis, because there are bound to be some. Why do I, a spotty British teenager who failed his grade 1 drums examination at the age of 12 and declared to never pick a musical instrument up again, get to decide who the greatest rockstar on the planet is? It needs to be representative, doesn’t it? Okay, how are going to do this? Do you need to be of a certain age to vote? Is it going to be like the general election? Does said rockstar need a majority share of the votes? Will there be televised debates (I hope so)? Are we going to implement proportional representation? But even then, some will still disagree. So how can someone be the greatest rockstar on the planet, if not everyone agrees?
I’m sure there has been a point in your life (certainly mine) where you’ve modified your taste or preference for something due to the people around you, due to contextual factors if you like. One thing I hate more than anything is people who declare “oh he’s rubbish” or “how can you listen to them, they’re cr*p”, much like what I’ve done today with Mr. West (hypocrite!).
You see when deciding who the greatest rockstar is on the planet, it should be subjective. You should allow your own values to influence your decision; it should be a matter of personal preference. You see, the greatest rockstar on the planet is, and should be, an interpretation. Many will disagree and that is fine.
When Kanye West declares “I am the greatest rockstar on the planet”, he is right. Because he believes so, and so do many others, I’d imagine his wife probably agrees (on second thought she’d probably vote for herself). It is not a problem if you disagree, as it is an interpretation of one’s personal preference, not an objective definitive answer. There can be more than one “greatest rockstar on the planet”, and that is fine. If someone disagrees with you, that is fine, it is a matter of personal preference, and please, don’t be such a bigoted, obnoxious idiot as I have been today, and just accept that people have different preferences.
So to address the question that is the title – yes Kanye West is the greatest rockstar on the planet (to some).
I think it is time to go to bed and let Mr. West finish his set without me. I scoop up the remains of my chocolate mess and carefully assemble it inside the wrapper of my Easter egg. I position it strategically at the back of the fridge where it cannot be seen, to save it you see, for whenever the next wild Saturday night is.
Let me leave you with a question though – who do you think is the greatest rockstar on the planet?