Essential Festival Guide And Advice

Right there, you see it? In the title? Yeah. We’re only 10 seconds into this post and I’ve already lied to you. This is in no way ‘essential’ advice and I would not at all blame you for disregarding my points and writing a nice hateful comment below telling me that I “know nothing about festivals and should go and die down a hole”. So if there is one thing you can take from this post, it is not to trust strangers on the Internet. 

Anyway, while I understand that you will learn far more about what a festival is like by actually going to one, I thought I would offer some advice derived from my personal experiences. I’ve therefore decided to create a list of simple DOs and DON’Ts, so please, enjoy? 

Side note: (I know that this is slightly different to my usual posts, so if you would like to leave now and disregard my existence for enternity, then feel free. However I am working on a post about whether the human race really have free will and consciousness, so stay alert for that!) 


DO put your tent up straight away. Otherwise unless you are a highly motivated and focused individual who defies every social norm going, it will just never go up. 

DO pace yourselves. You do not want to vomit all over your tent and clothes on the first night before the music has even started, trust me.

DO wear shoes. Yeah that’s right, groundbreaking piece of advice right? Do not try to channel your inner Ghandi and spend a day without wearing shoes (I then went on to find out that Ghandi actually wears flip-flops, lightweight). 

DON’T be that guy (or girl). If she’s (or he’s) not wearing much it’s because she’s trying to stay practical and cope with the weather, not because she wants 16 year old Leon from Sunderalnd who’s just failed his GCSE’s to be taking chunks out of her neck. If someone doesn’t want to come into your tent, then they don’t want to come in, just leave it and don’t be a tw*t.

DON’T take too much. Get together the minimum amount of stuff that you believe you can survive the weekend with, and then cut it down by around 70%. (That point could also apply to drugs (see my writing is deep, it has double meanings!)). 

DO take toilet roll. If there is only one item that you’re going to take, then make it toilet roll, trust me. 

DON’T be afraid to walk off on your own. Wait what? That’s a typo surely? No, obviously within reason though. Just go and get some chips on your own and you’ll probably make 9 new friends in the line, gain 5 new Twitter followers, gain a new bestfriend, fall out with your new bestfriend, have a song sang about you and get a few new nicknames just from queuing for five minutes. Simiralarly if there’s a band that none of your friends want to see, just go on your own, you’ll be fine. Everyone at festivals is so nice, even strangers watch your back. 

DON’T miss out on the music. They’ll be at least one occasion where an artist will be playing that you want to see but you’re not sure if you can be bothered to get out of your tent. Go. Otherwise you’ll regret it. 

DO drink plenty of water. That’s pretty important that one. 

DO remember to eat. Also relatively important. 

But perhaps most importantly, DON’T worry. This is the one place where you can forget about work/school/life, just embrace the fact that you’re spending the weekend in a field and going to the toilet in buckets, bushes and beer cans. Forget about the world outside of these few fields and just live in the moment (that last bit was disgustingly cheesy). 


7 thoughts on “Essential Festival Guide And Advice

  1. Great advice!

    I’d add make sure you can carry your tent half a mile – this distance from the car park to our pitch at WOMAD once. I had bruised shoulders all weekend. This also ties in with your point about not taking so much stuff.

    And make friends with caravanners if you meet any. Their toilet will be far nicer than any public ones on site. They might have a shower too!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hilarious because it’s true, every single one!!!!! I did everything you shouldn’t do at my first festival, then my friends did everything you shouldn’t do at my second. So I ended up on my own making new friends!!!! Had a great time, a tall guy was my human shield from all the wee bottles that were thrown my way and I had the best thai curry of my life!!
    Seriously great advice 🙂


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